Hitting the Pause Button

12 years ago someone handed me a publication that looked like it was printed 100 years ago. It was the current issue of a magazine for people who farm with draft horses. I wept as I read the publication. Something deep down inside me knew that I had to do it. Crazy as it sounds, I was made to farm with horses.

Some people don’t know what to do with me when I tell them what I’m trying to do. But I actually feel really blessed. I know what I’m supposed to do. Some people have no idea what they want to do with their lives. Or maybe they have so many ideas of what they want to do, they don’t know where to start. For 12 years, I’ve known. It actually is so freeing to have a clear vision and purpose for my life. Even if I might not know exactly where it will lead, I know what direction I’m supposed to be heading.

This past year, I’ve given as much of myself to Living Home as I possibly could. I have loved it. It’s so fun to share what I’m learning with others who want and can benefit from my passion and hours of research. I love that I can save others hours of time researching (sometimes) overwhelming subjects. I love that I’m helping individuals, moms, dads, and grandparents make their homes healthier places. It’s so fun to watch people take small steps.

I’ve realized though that I can’t do everything. God told me a few years ago that so many good things would come my way, I’d have to say no to really good things in order to say yes to the absolute best things. That’s exactly what my life feels like right now. I know not every season of my life will be like this, but right now, it’s definitely where I am at. There are a lot of good things, and I really wish I could say yes to them all. But it’s just not possible. I have a huge value for peace, and it’s not something I’ve felt on a regular basis for a couple of years. I’ve been happy but not peaceful.

I’ve been chatting with my husband a lot about it. I’ve dropped quite a few “extra” things in my life testing out what would help me feel more peaceful. We’ve chatted about how I make every single meal from scratch. I drive 20 minutes each way every Friday to get our weekly milk. I grow our own food. I do a lot of things that I could easily change or outsource to save myself time. But I don’t want to change those things. Those things that take significant amounts of my time come from the core of what I believe in. To give them up to make more time to do other things doesn’t feel right. I want to grow my own food. I want to work with horses and work towards them powering my farm. I want to process my own food. I want to make meals for my family. I want to spend 6 hours researching toxic free children’s shoes if that’s what it takes to have a healthy home and family as well as make decisions that help the earth and doesn’t hurt it.

I deactivated my Instagram account a couple of weeks ago in hopes that maybe that could help me jump this last hurdle of still not feeling completely at peace with everything I’ve got going on in my life. Like I wrote about a few weeks ago, I’m very good at change. If something isn’t working, I’ll try changing until I finally find what works. That’s what the last 4 months have been about for me. Trying different things to get balance back in my life. I’ve realized though that dropping Instagram helped, but I also need to let blogging go for now. I’ll keep the website, and I’ll blog every now and then if I have the time. But I’m taking off the pressure to “grow” the Living Home and be consistent with it. I might teach a workshop or two with my friend Kezia at The Whole Food Diary, but for now, Living Home, is going to have to take a back seat while I focus on raising kids, continuing to create a healthy home, and learning more about running a farm that utilizes horse power.

I appreciate everyone who has been with me that past year. It’s been so fun blogging and interacting with everyone. I don’t want to leave blogging, but it’s a step I’ve got to take for now. I need to push the pause button and say “no” to something really good in order to focus on saying “yes” to what is absolutely the best in this season of my life.

(and lastly, the photo on this page is one of our family pics that Lynda Kennedy Photography took a few weeks ago. I’ve got a pretty cute family, haven’t I?)

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